Life is a beautiful conundrum (Cristian's final blog)

The Rizal Shrine was an overwhelming experience. I could not forget the image of the Filipino soldiers shooting Rizal; the Spanish soldiers stood behind them with their guns to their backs forcing them to shoot a fellow countryman. I knew they had no choice. What a mess. I remained somber and fell back from the rest of the group that day. I did not know that experience would affect me the way it did. I could not go through the experience like it was a tourist attraction. I could not forget that it was somebody’s life. Cuya Frank fell back as well and we walked toward the Pasig River. There we stood and observed that in Manila poverty and wealth lived side by side. In Manila one could turn a corner or cross a street and go from the poorest part of town to the wealthiest.

There were no masks in Manila; no one tried to hide poverty there, it just was. People seemed to accept it. Locals would shoo away the hungry children themselves because it was bad for business. It is not that they were immune to the suffering of others; no, they themselves were just trying to survive. Over time, callouses form on what was once soft. This makes it easier for the feet to walk longer distances, for the fingers to accomplish repetitive tasks, and it helps the heart and mind cope with pain. Regardless of how many defense mechanisms the mind has, I was not prepared to see two children swimming through a river full of garbage.

When one looks at a picture of starving children from the National Geographic magazine—with all the privileges of an American—it doesn’t. Seem. Real. Sure, I feel a vague sense of empathy, but it is a lie because I have never experienced starvation in my life. A sight such as this becomes an all-consuming force only when it is experienced. The lens of the camera can be a portal for unknown territory but it can also be the barrier that makes it easy click next. Being there in the moment, there was no forward button. There was no way to make those disturbing images disappear. These children were just trying to survive. They did not see anything wrong with the fact that they were looking through garbage for something of value. This is where I was wrong. What made their actions disturbing in my mind? Throughout this trip I have learned that westerners have a tendency of looking down on situations that do not meet their standards. Americans are very good at this. From now on, I will make a conscious effort to remind myself that our definitions and standards to not apply to the rest of the world. What may be progress for us does not necessary mean progress for someone else. What looked like garbage to me was the determination to find another meal in them. As soon as they saw us their eyes lit up. The smallest child jumped in the water and came asking for money. That’s all he knew how to say in English. These incidents happened so often and yet they always took me by surprise. We read many essays which exposed how American influence had impacted Filipinos; we read the stories our education system refused to tell us.

The education system is a multi-purpose tool that has been used at home and abroad. On the one had it is used to keep Americans in the dark. Constantino(1982) believes that education was also a tool for the United States’ imperialist agenda. He claims that “A more widespread education such as the Americans desired would have been a real blessing had their education program not been the handmaiden for their colonial policy” (1982, p. 180). It was the intentions behind the educational system which were so damaging to the Filipino people. Even today, there are still reminders of what was once an American colony: invasive billboards, street signs in English, malls blown out of proportion, the constant reminder that white skin is better, the pervasive presence of western influence on the radio station, Baguio, and on, and on.

Being in the Philippines was a humbling experience. My identity crumbled beneath me in this new world. Dr. Andresen (2012) claims that our identities are formed through the “knowledge-construction process" (p. 67). Where we obtain our knowledge matters. The lack of representation groups face within the school system and society itself matters. This is important because the interpretation of our experiences dictates the way we see ourselves and others. Our basis for the self is constructed within the framework of an environment that is not of our choosing. At birth, we are thrown into something which becomes us. The problem is that most people don’t know that it is the environment and their interpretation of the environment which makes them who they are. This realization is one that Dr. Andresen found important within the framework of the educational system—the need to change a system which masks and belittles the existence of Filipinos and Filipino-Americans (2012). Through these experiences, I have learned that it is necessary to be a catalyst for change not just within the educational system but in other important aspects of life, especially the home.

 Experiencing all that I did in the Philippines made me feel as if my life had been sugar-coated. Everything that had shaped my existence so far was being challenged by a place, a different interpretation of history. Growing up I had been the underprivileged kid, the farmworker, low-income, minority, Hispanic, etc. Yet, in the Philippines, the simple fact that I had grown up in the United States made me privileged. Low income? A minority? No. For the first time in my life I experienced the other side of that objectification process that I had though myself the victim of. The realization shocked me.

I questioned so much on our trip that I do not know where to begin. I knew that history was a subjective interpretation of events which were retold to the benefit of those in power. Colonial mentality, what I called slave mentality before this trip, is something I thought of frequently but which didn’t materialize until I read the David and Okazaki; it’s as if they validated my premature, undergraduate thoughts. However, despite my internal struggle with the economic and psychological state of Filipinos, I also learned that people are good, not only at adapting but thriving, in chaotic situations. This is the place where assimilation and acculturation converge and it is often difficult to disentangle these to concepts. David and Okazaki (2006) tried to measure acculturation by using a fellow researcher's definition of "acculturation strategies" which were divided into the following: assimilation, integration, separation and marginalization (p. 242). I saw many different examples and combinations of the four acculturation strategies.

For many Filipinos it is natural that one would prefer white skin over dark skin, western music over Filipino music, English over Tagalog. The latter was a topic we discussed at length with Dr. Campomanes and his colleagues. Most of them were avid supporters of standardizing English as the primary language spoken in the Philippines. Dr. Campomanes claimed that English is to act as an international mediator while native languages would take a more personal role within the family setting (personal communication, July 7, 2014). Integration of the English language in a more standardized fashion is not the only way in which Filipinos have appropriated foreign culture and made it their own.Despite the importance of language adoption in the Philippines it was not the only subject which demonstrated Filipinos impressive ability to integrate foreign cultures into its own .

One of the most memorable classes was the class with Kidlat Tahimik. He said something in his documentary that I will never forget: jeepneys are vehicles of war which have been turned into vehicles of life (1977). The jeepney is much more than just a vehicle or novelty for foreigners. The jeepney represents Filipino ingenuity and perseverance. Today, jeepneys are an affordable form of transportation; aside from being convenient and affordable, jeepneys are like fingerprints, no two are the same. 
 

Filipino ingenuity also reflects in other areas such as art. The graffiti in the Philippines reaches beyond the walls of a museum to touch the lives of all passerby. The music covers of American hits overshadow but do not diminish the efforts of musicians who are trying to move beyond this consumerist trend to fulfill a need that demands that music be produced for the sake of music, not to fulfill the demand of the masses.

I believe our group as a whole, worked well because there was a variety of personalities. Everyone had their own life experiences and opinions but we were able to talk about things and gain insight as opposed to just agreeing with each other all the time. Not agreeing is a beautiful thing. I do not make an initiative to make friends and felt perfectly content with the friends I had before this trip, but living with 18 other people put me in a situation that brought me out of my comfort zone and I had to interact with others. Everyone was so friendly and welcoming that it was not very difficult to step out of the hermit shell for a while. I will not pretend that tensions did not escalate a time within the group as it is inevitable with large groups. There were times that I found frustrating, but it was helpful to talk about it with my wonderful roommates. I think the most unfortunate occurrence within my living quarters was that I accidentally locked Mary Jane out of our apartment. She was not a happy camper the following morning.

Photo Credit: Lalaine Ignao

We sat down to talk about it and I apologized for locking her out. I do not like pretending like things did not happen and I do not like laying blame on others. If change is to happen we must take responsibility for our faults and find ways to improve the situation. Our solution after this incident was to leave the keys with the guard anytime we left the room. It worked, and the incident was kind of funny afterward. I will miss cooking eggs and rice for roommates. I will miss waking up and seeing all of your smiling faces downstairs, glued to facebook, snapchat or whatever app you used to communicate with your loved ones. I have never and will most likely never again take so many group selfies in my life. Thank you for the best birthday ever. It wasn’t just my identity that was challenged by this study abroad program; it was my place in time and space, my morals, my patience, my love, my everything. At first I thought that this trip was really for the students who were Filipinos and Filipino-Americans; I just felt thankful I was allowed to tag along for the ride, but I was wrong. This trip was for all of us. We all learned so much about ourselves and each other.

I took the biggest risk of my life embarking on this journey. I gambled the life I had created in the U.S. for a chance to experience something outside of it and I am so glad it was with all of you. I am happy the immigration officer stamped my passport, I am happy that I can continue my life here, but I am most happy that I took that risk. 

References

Andresen, T. (2012). Knowledge construction, transformative academic knowledge, and Filipino

American identity and experience, In E. Bonus, E. & D. Maramba, (Eds.) The “other“students: Filipino Americans, education, and power. Charlotte, NC: IAP.

Constantino, R. (1982). Miseducation of Pilipinos. In A.V. Shaw & L.H Francis, Vestiges of war.

pp. 177-192. New York: New York Press.

David, E.J.R., & Okazaki, S. (2006). The Colonial Mentality Scale (CMS) for Filipino

Americans: Scale construction and psychological implications: A review and recommendation. Journal of Counseling Psychology 53 (1), pp. 1-16.

Tahimik, K. (Director). (1977). Perfumed Memories [Documentary]. Philippines: Les Blank,

Flower Films.