Before this trip,
the Philippines was a place that existed mostly in my mind and my dreams. I’d
only traveled to the islands once as a small child, and by adulthood I had
only small, faint memories of it (the street outside our compound, our gate,
our statue of Mary, the potato stand at the mall…). The islands existed only in
these memories, and in whatever I’d learned from the news or from family gossip
and stories. Spending two months here has changed my ideas and perspective of
the country to the point that it’s truthfully hard for me to remember how I
really perceived of it before. I’m still here in the Philippines, and therefore
my reflection differs from my classmates’. While it is hard to process and
reflect on an overseas excursion whilst you are still living it, in no way do I
regret my decision to stay an extra month. Staying with my family for a
relatively substantial period of time offers me a new perspective that merely
studying abroad could not give me, and I am blessed and grateful for this experience.
While the Study Abroad program allowed me to visit important historical
landmarks, travel with a group of students, and sight-see all over the islands,
living a more relaxed, quiet life with my family allows me to see things me
more from the perspective of Filipinos themselves. Although as a Fil-Am, I will
never truly understand their perspective, talking with them and experiencing
their daily activities helps me to gain a new perspective I did not have a
chance to see through studying abroad alone. Because of that, this reflection
is upon both my study abroad experience and my independent travel.
A secluded beach in southern Mindanao! Thankful I got to travel independently to the island to visit family. |
In The Philippine-American War: Friendship and
Forgetting, Reynaldo Ileto ( ) describes a phenomenon called “utang na loob,” or “inner debt” that
Filipinos feel towards America. While many of reflected on this debt,
experiences with family gave this phrase a whole new outlook. While discussing
family (whether distant or close) this phrase sometimes comes up, usually when
discussing the young troublemakers of the family. It is said, “Walang utang na loob siya,” or basically
“They have no inner debt.” When I asked for more clarification on the meaning
(as I recognized the phrase), I learned that not having utang na loob meant that the person was perceived as very
ungrateful. As I have learned through experiences with my family, gratefulness
is extremely crucial to have, especially when you are of “low status/rank,”
meaning you are younger. Being perceived as ungrateful is very shameful in
Filipino culture. Utang na loob is an
important phrase and concept in Filipino culture, which helped me to understand
the importance of the Philippines’ “inner debt” towards America – perhaps those
that lack the utang na loob towards
America are perceived negatively because they are “ungrateful.”
Ileto also speaks
about how American colonialism is viewed. He says:
“Why is it is
difficult to speak in terms such as invasion, resistance (so readily applied to
the Japanese in World War II), war, combat, colonialism, exploitation, discrimination?”
(Ileto, 1998, pg. 3)
This has served
truthful in my discussions with my cousins about colonialism and outside
influence upon the Philippines. When the
discussion is about America, it’s brought up that America “modernized” the
islands and brought them the importance of English. When it comes to Spain,
they brought culture and Christianity. When it comes to Japan, however, the
tone changes. Personal attacks are made on the Japanese themselves. One of my
cousins went so far as to say, “Ugh, I hate
the Japanese!” Ileto and my experiences with my Filipino family taught me that
it’s not just colonization – it’s who the colonizers
were. To say Filipinos accepted their culture of colonization is false. While
in my experiences, yes, many Filipinos look up to Spain and America, they
freely call out the Japanese colonization of Spain. It is interesting to note
that Spanish and American imperialism, both Western powers, receive less
criticism than Japanese imperialism.
One thing I
learned about that I never really understood before studying abroad is skin
whitening as part of colonial mentality. Seeing its true scope is something
that I’ll never forget. Prior to this trip, I had done projects on skin
whitening before – but I studied South Asia, not the Philippines. I did not
realize how big of a thing skin whitening is in the Philippines. While I grew
up seeing skin-whitening lotions in Filipino-American stores and saw
light-skinned mestizo
actors/actresses in Filipino media, and even though I did suspect it was
because of the desire to be like the colonizer, I did not understand how
ingrained skin-whitening culture is in the Philippines. I was fortunate enough
to grow up with parents who did not raise me to put light skin on a pedestal.
My eldest brother, considered “dark” both in the States and here, was never
encouraged to lighten his skin or seen as unattractive for his dark skin, while
my younger brother (the lightest of us) was never praised for his light skin.
During summer, whenever my family would “get dark,” my parents were far more
concerned about skin cancer and staying hydrated than they were about my skin
turning dark. My mother is unlike her siblings (the ones in the islands and the
ones in the States) in that she doesn’t try to make herself lighter. Some of my
other family is much different. One of my uncles here is actually in the
business of selling skin-whitening products and encourages his daughters (along
with the rest of our family) to use the products. His daughters take a special
vitamin daily for whitening and also use whitening soap and lotion on a daily
basis. Other family members have expressed shock and a little bit of aversion
at how “dark” my upper-body has gotten during my time here. One of my aunts
even had me try a skin-whitening body mask during a salon trip. (Yes, I did try it. It was right after a
discussion on utang na loob and I
know I would be perceived as ungrateful had I refused.) Even at the small
market at University of Philippines, there was an aisle just for skin-whitening
products. Television and radio ads here also constantly feature skin-whitening
products. I believe that my privilege as an American kept me ignorant to how
deep-rooted and expansive the problem of skin-whitening in the Philippines is,
and traveling here really thrust me into a new world – in America I’m brown yet
here I’m light. And as I do get “dark” (the word more commonly used here
instead of “tan” or “brown”) my family comments upon it in a negative manner.
Nevertheless, I came into this country privileged for my skin color, and will
leave it privileged in many ways. While I stand out and feel uncomfortable in
“wealthy spaces” in America, here I blend in a little bit more, such as in
malls. My skin is relatively lighter, my hair and makeup is done, and I am
dressed “stylish.” I look wealthy here – and it’s true, I have the privilege of
being an American traveler here. I have gotten many compliments on my style and
appearance during my stay here. I
believe this is an example of E. J. R. David and Sumie Okazaki’s concept of
“denigration of the Filipino culture or body,” (2006, pg. 242) an aspect of
colonial mentality. It is characterized by the notion that “American” is
better, including culture and physical characteristics. Here, I look like a wealthy
woman you’d find in a mall – many of the wealthy here (in the words of my
cousin) “try to look American.”
![]() |
Cousins |
I am American –
and I am also Pilipina – that is one lesson that I have learned here that will
stick with me forever. While my privilege and difference puts me in an odd
position here, I still feel at home. This is in part because when looking
around, I am not surrounded by White people, which can be a common experience
in Seattle. Because I am in the Philippines, Filipinos are not invisible, as they
often are in the U.S. It’s a new feeling, one that I have embraced (with
respect to my privileges, as best I can). I also find it noteworthy that
although I look wealthier here, I am still perceived as Pilipin@ -- something I
don’t always experience in the States. As a mixed-race Pin@y, I was always told
I looked more “Latina” and because of that wasn’t really “Filipino.” Many times
in public spaces, people in the States try to speak to me in Spanish or ask me
if I’m Latina. While I have been recognized as Pin@y in America, it is more
often the other way around. It is also more often that family and friends say I
look more like my dad and more Latin@. Some distant family and friends are even
shocked that I am Pin@y – I look “Mexican” or “Spanish” (they mean
Latin@). Here, unless I am in a group of
other American travelers, I am perceived as a “native” Pilipin@ -- I have
accidentally ignored clerks and sales associates countless times because they
were speaking to me, in Tagalog, and I didn’t notice. My cousins and
Titos/Titas even tell me, “What? You don’t look like your dad. You look super
Filipino!” Most people I’ve met (unless I’m with the Study Abroad group) have
perceived me as native Filipino until I open my mouth and they hear my accent.
I believe that one
of the reasons I am perceived as Latin@ rather than possibly Pin@y in the
States is because of the invisibility of Pilipin@s in America. As a mixed-race
American who is both Latin@ and Pilipin@, I truly believe that although Latin@s
don’t have adequate representation, they have a much higher visibility than
Pin@ys and other Southeast Asians/Pacific Islanders. Because of a lack of Pin@y
representation and visibility, many Americans have a specific trope or
stereotype of what a Filipino should be – a stereotype that I am far from. My
racial/ethnic identity was always confusing for me growing up because of this
notion that I don’t look or am not “really” Pin@y. Representation in the media
is needed to show the diversity and identity of Pin@ys. Representation in
education is also essential. I don’t
remember learning anything about Pilipin@s in primary school. This helped to
confuse me about my identity even further. Because Pin@ys are currently
invisible, “Including Filipino and Filipino American history and contributions
from a non-Eurocentric perspective would allow many Filipino Americans to free
themselves from cultural psychological captivity and form a healthy ethnic
identity” (Andresen, 2012, pg. 81). I believe that Eurocentric education helped
to make me hurt and confused about my identity as a Filipino, and as a
mixed-race person (especially with two non-white parents). I took this Study
Abroad trip as a part of my personal journey of decolonization and identity,
and I’m coming out of it with a better sense of self and identity/pride as
Pin@y.
I am fortunate to
have experienced this journey with such an amazing group of folks. I loved
experiencing the journey with other Filipino-Americans, so I didn’t have to do
it alone. Having non-Filipinos also brought something to the mix to put things
into perspective. I appreciated the allyship of the non-Filipinos and their
desire to understand us and our journeys, and to form their own journeys and
perspectives as well. This made a generally positive dynamic between
classmates. I made some genuine friendships on this trip, and learned so much
through listening to the stories and experiences of my new friends. Had I done
an independent trip alone, I would not have had these experiences.
Our group on one of the last days. Minus Tylor. :( |
Last of us left! |
Working in my group also went smoothly. Louie, Savannah, Bryan, and I were all on the same page and all shared an enthusiasm about our project on street art culture in the Philippines. It helped that we were all fascinated by the culture and excited to learn more. Everyone respected the spaces we traveled to and the people we interviewed, which was great considering we, as outsiders, may tend not to be so conscientious. We all participated and worked on whatever we did best in. We all prepared questions for the interview, and Monica used her artistic talents to film the interviews, while I took photographs for the project. Bryan put the video together, while the rest of planned a discussion around it. We all chose to talk about different points in our presentation that we were knowledgeable about and interested in. I enjoyed my group, especially because I loved our presentation! I still can’t believe we had the opportunity to put together such a unique and stimulating project.
My time in the
Philippines is coming to an end. Although I’m still here, I miss our program,
our experiences, and our group. I wish I could still be seeing and living these
new experiences with everyone, and I am grateful to have gotten to make this
trip and meet everyone. I know this trip has
changed me forever – and I truly believe it’s changes everyone else,
too. My decolonization journey is far from over, but this trip is one of the
most fundamental things I have done to discover my identity and to decolonize
my mind.
Works Cited:
Andresen, T. (2012). Knowledge
construction, transformative academic knowledge, and Filipino American identity
and experience, In E. Bonus, E. & D. Maramba, (Eds.) The “other“
students: Filipino Americans, education, and power. Charlotte, NC: IAP.
David, E.J.R., & Okazaki, S. (2006). The Colonial
Mentality Scale (CMS) for Filipino Americans: Scale construction and
psychological implications: A review and recommendation.
Journal of Counseling Psychology 53 (1), pp. 1–16.
Ileto, R.C. (1998). The Philippine-American War, Friendship
and Forgetting. In Shaw, A.V. & Francia, L.H. Vestiges of war. (pp. 3-21). New York: New York
Press.
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