Reflecting in Spain

Louie Vital

Final Blog- Reflection

My process of reflection is a bit different than the other students on the CHID Philippines program. Most of my fellow study abroad students returned to the states and proceeded to process and analyze their trip to the Philippines. Instead of returning home to quiet reflection, I was thrust into a different country within 48 hours of leaving the Philippines. I ended up in Spain, the colonizer that we had spent so much time learning about. I have been attempting to process my time in the Philippines while being simultaneously bombarded with new Spanish experiences; it has been very difficult.

            I understand this blog is intended to reflect on my time in the Philippines but that alone is impossible to do without discussing my time in Spain. My observations in Spain have influenced my thoughts and reflections of my time in the Philippines. This Spanish trip is part of a larger narrative of process- the Philippines and Spain are undeniably intertwined. Honestly, I’m having a difficult time here in Spain. I’m struggling with not blaming or demonizing the Spaniards. I want to love this culture but I cannot while knowing what they’ve done to my people. This cultural narrative is even more confusing because I have Spanish heritage in addition to my Filipino blood. The Spaniards are my people as well, but it’s difficult to identify with them since they colonized and destroyed part of my Filipino culture.

            Here, I will discuss how the invisibility of the Philippines in Spain as well as the invisibility of my ethnic heritage as perceived by foreigners, has changed the way I think and has impacted my study abroad experience as a whole.

Evaluation of learning throughout the quarter

Learning and studying in the Philippines and Spain has changed the way I think. After learning of invisibility of Filipino history within American dialogue, the invisibility of the origins of Jose Rizal’s appointment as our national hero and the invisibility of Filipino connections with Spain within the country, the politics of invisibility has taught me to continually search for knowledge beyond what is readily available.

As Dr. Andresen stated during a discussion, “The more you know, the less you know.” I apply the politics of invisibility not only to hidden knowledge but also to my own ignorance within this world. I’m very fortunate to have seen the Philippines and Spain. Although I have learned a lot from being here, I learned that there is so much I do not know, and there is a lot I will never know or see. After my experiences, I’ve realized there is so much in the world that I’ve been ignorant to. Only now am I painfully aware of my ignorance.

Invisibility of the Philippines in Spain

The first week of my study abroad in Spain, I had the pleasure of listening to a lecture by the dean of the College of Arts and Sciences regarding the history of Spain. After learning of Spain’s influence on the Philippines for a month, I was excited to hear mention of the Philippines. During the lecture, Dean Stacey only mentioned the Philippines once. The lack of explanation was extremely disappointing. It’s frustrating to realize that while Spain is 300 years of Filipino history, to Spain, the Philippines is nothing.

After spending time in Spain, I have started to see why culture is the way it is in the Philippines. The ardent Catholicism is one example. One interesting observation I made is that it seems as if the Philippines is a much more Catholic country than Spain despite the fact that Filipinos are only Catholic because of Spain. According to Dean Bob Stacey, Spain used to be the most Catholic country. Despite the large cathedrals, it is now one of the most sexually liberal countries. (Stacey, 2014)

This ardent religiosity is evidence of Spain’s deep impact on the culture and its people. Noticing how deeply entrenched Catholicism is with the Filipinos, I wondered if the Philippines had any influence on the Spanish. Thinking back on the invisibility of the Philippines within the Dean’s lecture, I became upset all over again. The Spaniards changed our course of life, our language, our religion, our food, our self-image, our clothes, our culture. But what impact did we have on them? Did we even have any impact on them? I thought it might be a possibility since I had seen Mexican restaurants in Madrid. If a former colony had influence on its colonizer, why not the Philippines as well?

Thinking of this question, I kept my eyes open for anything pertaining to the Philippines. Later that week, I was researching in the city of Salamanca when I went to a local McDonald’s. On their McFlurry menu, they had different candies to select from. I noticed the word “Filipinos” on the menu right next to the other selection of candy. In my utter confusion, I asked my friend what my ethnicity was doing on that menu above me. He told me that “Filipinos” is a Spanish biscuit. It’s chocolate on the outside and white cookie on the inside.

 I researched a little bit more into this and learned that the Spanish biscuit is controversial because it’s name can imply that while Filipinos are dark on the outside, they strive to be white on the inside. (Global Citizen, 2011)  In fact, there was a diplomatic protest in 1999 by the Philippines government to prevent further sales of Filipinos biscuits. Some argue that it is simply named “Filipinos” because they are reminiscent of “rosquillos” which are local pastries originating from Iloilo and Negros. Regardless of the name’s origins, some Filipinos are undeniably upset over the choice to use our ethnicity as a tool of marketing.

This seemingly random connection was enough to prove any significant influence on Spain by the Philippines so my search continued.

Nationalism

The second week of the program, I visited a contemporary art museum in Lèon. The art exhibit revolved around the narratives of the last colonies of Spain. I felt like a kid in a candy shop! Upon arrival, I’ve been searching for connections between the Philippines and Spain. In the Philippines, I saw Spain’s influence everywhere I turned whether it is culturally, aesthetically, religiously or linguistically. Here, in Spain the connection, if any, is minimalistic. The museum exhibit displayed the obvious colonial connection between the two countries.

In the museum, I was so consumed by own de-colonial lens. I’ve lived the narrative of the colonized so to see the narrative of the colonizer is a lot different. I was very fascinated with the concept of a nationalistic “front”. How does Spain portray itself as the “big, bad colonizer”? Do they readily accept and take responsibility for the cultures they have invaded? I was reminded of Ileto’s piece: “The Philippine-American War, Friendship and Forgetting”. The Americans were intentional in using rhetoric to soften and legitimatize their colonial actions. Does this apply to Spain? How do they discuss their own past nowadays? Do they attempt to pretend that what they committed was not colonial domination? How do they discuss themselves in their history books?

Going through the museum, I also thought of Constantino’s desire for strong Filipino nationalism. Applying this to Spanish nationalism was an interesting concept. How can it teach its citizens of the committed atrocities while maintaining a sense of nationalism? Are they intentionally weaving their own nationalistic narrative while keeping the Filipinos invisible? I wanted to look into this further and analyze the exhibit as a whole but I could not effectively research because most of the information was in Spanish. Here in Lèon, I learned Spain also suffers from regional instability. Some Lèonese people actually advocate for Lèon independence.

In the museum there were also portraits of significant events in Filipino history. It included the Battle of Mactan as well as the execution of Josè Rizal. It was a unique experience to see depictions of the same battle interpreted from both sides.

I was glad that there was a dedicated space to the struggle of our people, yet I cannot be fully satisfied because I do not consider that museum to be evidence of true influence on Spain by the Philippines. Other than a museum exhibit dedicated to colonialism, and a controversial chocolate biscuit, I have unfortunately failed to notice any other signs of Filipino influence on Spain. I wish Filipinos had more visibility around the world.

Appearance Dictating Interaction

The way I have been treated within the different countries has greatly affected my study abroad experience as a whole. Being a Filipino-American in the Philippines is different in the U.S., in Spain and in the Philippines. My ethnic heritage is often times unclear to others, making me feel invisible.

It feels as if the way I am treated is largely dependent on my appearance and physical features. My whole life people have told me that I do not look Filipino. When I tell people I am Filipino they act surprised. The last time I got a haircut, the hairdresser asked me if I was Vietnamese. I told her I was Filipino. In response to that she said, “You’re Filipino? But you’re pretty!” This is an example of many positive reinforcements I have received on my non-Filipino appearance. When I was younger, comments like that taught me that I should be proud of my Chinese features and ashamed of my Filipino heritage. 

While I am technically Chinese, I do not dominantly identify as Chinese; I am only an eighth Chinese. I was raised Filipino: I heard Tagalog growing up. When people used to tell my parents or I that I did not look Filipino, they would be very pleased and proud. Their pride taught me to be boastful of my non-traditional Filipino look. After learning about my roots, I have made a strong effort to identify as Filipino and to be proud of my heritage. Even today however, my outwardly appearance does not assist in my desire to identify as Filipino. 

At B-Side Makati, the security guards asked if I was Japanese, Korean or Chinese. When shopping at the stalls in Baguio, a group of men in a van honked at me and tried saying hi to me in Japanese. Five cars down the line, a separate group of men in a van tried saying hi to me in Korean. Whenever I meet someone in the Philippines, the first thing they usually ask me is, “Are you Chinese?” When I had my stop over in Taiwan, the locals there would even attempt to speak to me in Chinese.

I primarily identify as Filipino but when I am recurrently asked about ethnicity (“You look Chinese though!”), I feel as if I have to change my self-identification in order to give an explanation for their curiosity. At a discussion with Dr. Campomanes at Ateneo de Manila University, I was able to talk to Hannah Go, a graduate student in Literary & Cultural Studies. She is ethnically Chinese and was born and raised in the Philippines. Our quick discussion on “Chinese-ness” truly resonated with me. I can relate to the experiences she discusses in her thesis. She explains how she is constantly questioned on her ethnicity, “But your face says you’re Chinese.” She also recognizes the difficulties of being suspended between two cultures, “You’re never one or the other, you’re always straddling.” (Go, 2014)

I’ve already struggled with my identity so for this to be a recurring instance is frustrating. It’s sad when my own countrymen cannot see me for who I identify as. I may have Chinese eyes and a Spanish nose but I am culturally Filipino. I already struggle with my identity, how can I feel accepted when I’m othered by own countrymen? I was excited to go to my country and be embraced and to feel at home. Instead, I was othered and ostracized. My ethnicity was questioned almost everyday I was in the Philippines. It made me feel separate from them, like I could never be a part of them. I should be judged for my experiences not my appearance, but that is unlikely to happen. These intersecting ideas of what I am ethnically, what nationality I’ve resided in, what other people think I am complicates my own narrative as a Filipina-American.

Thinking of my experience as a “non-traditional looking Filipina” in the Philippines, I’ve made an effort to observe how I’ve been treated in Spain. To the Filipinos I look like a Chinese-American, to the Spaniards, I am an Asian-American with no effort made to recognize my ethnicity, only my race. Despite my location in my travels, I feel like I am othered. It is different being in Spain and in the Philippines. In America I am brown, in the Philippines I am white, in Spain I am yellow. My identity is dependent on location.

Last week I went out at night with my friends. As we were walking, a woman commented to her partner, “These fucking Americans”. This was a rude awakening to the differing treatment of Americans across the globe. Americans and foreigners are almost idolized in the Philippines. They are automatically treated with respect in a way that Philippines-born Filipinos do not have. I attribute this idolization of foreigners to Filipinos’ colonial mentality. David and Ozaki describe an “automatic and uncritical preference for anything American” (David and Okazaki, 2006, p. 241). This could also extend to a preference for anything “Western”. This explains Filipinos’ exaltation and fascination with Western foreigners. The colonial mentality taught Filipinos to hold foreigners in high regards. I am not sure what caused the animosity of Americans in Spain, but that is a different story.

Group Dynamic

How did I personally benefit from everyone in the study abroad group? They have become my family and I miss them all. They contributed greatly not only to my learning process, they normalized the culture shock, the transition from a first world country into a third world country. They were my support group. When I was unable to articulate how I felt, I knew someone in the group was feeling similar and could empathize with me. A study abroad group bonds in a unique way where we become a true family as a result of our common experiences. The places we’ve been, the locals we met, everything we have seen is beautifully unique to our group. This life-changing process is a lot to internalize so I am incredibly thankful to have others help me through it.

I also appreciate the fact that all the students entered this program with different sets of power and privilege, experiences and knowledge. The differing backgrounds allowed each individual to give valuable insight in every situation. The varying perspectives allowed us to gain empathy and to understand the viewpoints from different people. As a whole, we became more understanding, open-minded and empathetic to the situations we encountered.

I personally did not experience conflict within the group. The decisions made were consistently for the betterment of the group. All decisions were made as a team. I worked very well within my small group. The two projects we worked on were a success! Each team member stepped up where he/she could contribute most. Bryan worked magic with iMovie, Monica came up with the idea of street art, I offered my translation skills, and Desiree and Savannah offered valuable discussion/interview questions and activities drawing from their Sociology and American Indian Studies backgrounds, respectively. We were a great team, and I greatly appreciate their hard work.

When I finally return to the states, I hope to reconvene with them to assist my transition back home. I feel almost isolated by the other sixty students on this Spanish study abroad trip. Unlike the Philippines group, they cannot relate to the experiences that I have been through. They do not know what I had seen, felt and heard. They cannot support me in the way that my Philippines study abroad family can. I’d like to thank everyone involved in the program for being a part of this life-changing experience. I am forever changed and forever grateful.

Works Cited

Constantino, R.  (1982). Miseducation of Filipinos. In I In A.V. Shaw & L.H Francia, Vestiges of war. (pp.  177-192).  New York:  New York Press.

David, E.J.R., & Okazaki, S. (2006). The Colonial Mentality Scale (CMS) for Filipino Americans: Scale construction and psychological implications: A review and recommendation. Journal of Counseling Psychology 53 (1), pp. 1–16.

Global Citizen. (2011, February 25) Filipinos: Snack or Insult?!? [Web log post]. Retreived from

http://global-citizen-01.blogspot.com.es/2011/02/filipinos-snack-or-insult.html

Go, Hannah. (2014) “Ambivalence: The ‘Commonsensical’ and ‘Performative’ Nature of Race Among Young Chinese in Contemporary Metropolitan Manila.” [PowerPoint Slideshow]. Retrieved from Ateneo de Manila University

Ileto, R.C. (1998). The Philippine-American War, Friendship and Forgetting. In Shaw,

A.V. & Francia, L.H. Vestiges of war. (pp. 3-21). New York: New York Press.

Stacey, Robert. (2014) “History of Spain” [PowerPoint Slideshow]. Retrieved from Universidad de Lèones